Difficult conversations with loved ones are sometimes unavoidable in life. There are, however, some simple guidelines that you can follow in order respectfully negotiate mutually satisfying solutions while creating a mutual sense of trust and connection.
There are times when our apprehension about confronting an issue ends up standing in the way of our taking action to resolve it. This dynamic, known as conflict avoidance, is a way of circumventing the emotional work necessary to address the issue. This often happens through ignoring the problem, deflecting attention to another issue, or shutting down. Unfortunately, doing so can cause problems to linger over time, creating significant unhappiness and even lead to the premature ending of a relationship. Here are some things to consider when preparing for a dialogue:
Prepare yourself
Clearly define the issue and the factors contributing to the situation and try to untangle your emotions from the subject matter. Acknowledge your unmet need. It is important to consider all sides of the issue, including your role, your loved one’s role, any extenuating circumstances that should be accounted for, as well as potential mutual concerns. Pay attention to self-care as you prepare for a dialogue in order to be mentally and emotionally prepared. This will help you to focus on your goal and not get side-tracked with emotional reactions.
Identify your goal
Set a concise goal for what you want to address and achieve in the conversation. Establish your desired outcome including how you want both parties to feel, think, believe, or act at the end of the conversation. As you consider your optimal outcome, it is helpful to give some thought to alternatives that could also be acceptable should negotiation be necessary. To that end, also know your bottom line – what potential outcome would not be acceptable to you.
Extend the invitation
Reach out to your loved one and invite them to sit down and talk. It may be helpful to suggest a time and a comfortable, neutral location, but do offer your flexibility should they wish to choose.
Have the conversation
Begin by affirming your commitment to your loved one and to the health of your relationship. Acknowledge appreciation for their willingness to meet and hear your concerns. Communicate your hopes for the conversation. Be specific and avoid accusations or sweeping generalizations.
Acknowledge your role or responsibility in the conflict. Offer an acknowledgment of the fact that you have avoided addressing the issue if you have.
Give your loved one the feedback you’d like to share with them. Speak from your experience, using “I” statements such as “I feel….”, “I noticed….”, “I think….” to clearly and directly explain your concern, your unmet need, what isn’t working, and why it is important. Using mindful attention to body language, face and look directly at your loved one, maintaining eye contact.
Provide space for them to respond and patiently listen to what they have to say. Allow them to speak for as long as is needed without interruption. You may also consider validation through a nod and smile as you listen as an offering of kindness and humility.
Maintain a curious stance, listening to understand. Acknowledge their experience by clarifying your understanding of what you heard. If you need clarity about something, ask for it.
Collaborate and brainstorm solutions that create a win-win for you both, always bearing in mind your mutual purpose. Where there are opposing opinions, creatively focus on different ways of resolving the problem rather than a narrow focus on the exact solution.
Once an agreement is reached regarding specific actions, confirm your shared understanding through a restatement of the resolution.
Read more: The Value of Relationship Conflict
Some discussions with loved ones are challenging because they involve sensitive topics. Having difficult conversations in a constructive way can help both parties involved by resolving issues and strengthening the relationship. It is important to recognize that both parties have needs and to acknowledge that both sets of needs matter. I hope this simple framework can help you to deal with and overcome conflict with loved ones. Creating the conditions for effective communication can decrease the lag time between identifying and resolving problems while reducing the communication patterns and behaviors that stand in the way of relationship satisfaction.
What relationship improvements have you noticed after addressing a conflict with someone you love?
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6 comments
This is such an important topic, Peter! Difficult conversations are rarely looked forward to, but I have found they often result in a better understanding of one another and increased satisfaction in the relationship. Open dialogues in my marriage have allowed both partners to feel heard, supported, and loved. And as is often the case, the most feared conversations end up being the ones with the biggest rewards.
This guideline offers a great way to tackle those tough but often times needed conversations, and I think that approaching these situations with a clear goal along with flexibility and curiosity is excellent advice. To have a tough conversation with a loved one requires a certain amount of trust in that relationship, as we must trust that we can talk to our loved ones openly without losing them. I’ve often felt that after having an open conversation, the trust in the relationship was actually deepened greatly, and future conversations felt less difficult. By trusting that you can safely engage in a hard conversation with your loved one, you may find the relationship itself even more supportive and loving than before.
This post provides such a helpful roadmap for having a difficult conversation with a loved one. These kinds of conversations can be so scary and intimidating, that many people end up avoiding them all together. I know from personal experience that expressing my thoughts, feelings, and needs in relationships can be really uncomfortable, but it can also bring me closer to the people I love. I have found that my own fears often get in the way more than the actual outcome of the conversation. Thanks for making these conversations easier with these tools, Peter!
This is an immensely helpful post, Peter! I love how turn a difficult conversation into something you approach with care, compassion, and intension. I know from experience that these kinds of conversations can lead to really positive turning points in close relationships and this post does a great job of outlining how you can make that happen.
This is a great blog, Peter! It can be overwhelming to confront conflict with people we care about. I love the framing of thinking about what’s the unmet need as a starting place.
This is so helpful, Peter. Having a difficult conversation with a loved one is so challenging. It isn’t easy to sit with someone you love and tell them that something they have said or done has hurt you in some way. I like the suggestions of meeting in a neutral space and understanding your contribution to the issue. For me, I am mindful of my tone while having difficult conversations, I think it helps decrease the discomfort and implies a willingness to resolve the issue. Thanks!